On Operation Torbay…day 2, the nights entertainment was a female vocalist who specialised in …dare I say it ??? …Country and Western !!! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…”I hate C&W music!!!”. In all there were five songs about lost love plus three about lost loves through Murder and other violent happenings, ‘Old Shepp’ reared it’s ugly head again plus one called ‘The death of Tommy the sheep dawg” ( allegedly sung by Patsy Clinometer or some other ‘bubble’ butt C&W impersonator) and three songs about disasters, two train wrecks and a Minnesota mining accident, which incidentally, turned out NOT to be an accident after all….OH! And Achey Breaky Heart…again. I had to repeatedly try the Jamesons Irish whiskey to test the rhoumers of anaesthesia ….after three large ones with ice the noise was still getting through, so I drank another two…quickly….and finally it worked, the female vocalist thanked us for being a wonderfully audience and left the building…bliss.
Prior to the singer starting we had conformation that I am officially ‘ELDERLY’ by joining in the BINGO!!!!…mind you I won a tenner and received. A polite round of applause
Today, day 3 of Operation Torbay, saw me wake up ‘zombified’ due to the intake of Jamesons the previous night….a brisk (ish) walk was in order, so after a hearty breakfast of one rasher of bacon, a very small sausage, that had seen better days, and an egg so small it would have done a Spuggy proud, with seventeen beans and half a VERY small tomato, Christine an I set of to explore Torquay…the Taxi driver asked us if we were staying at the hotel, and when we said yes he just shook his head and laughed…very disquieting indeed…. As we got out of the taxi, we immediately felt the force of the Arctic wind which was visiting the so called riviera, just for the period of our stay, and got blown around the harbour, or marina if you are a sailor. We lunched in a small greasy spoon on the marina front and realised it was colder in the cafe than it was outside!!! I needed sustenance, so in my best Yorkshire accent ordered a Bacon and egg banjo, which stumped the McDonalds reject that served us straight away, “A what ??? ” he said, “An egg mayo what??”, in his cute Devonian drawl…..so I modified my order to a nicely spoken, “Bacon and egg sandwich please”. As it sizzled on the hotplate my mouth watered at the prospect of the wholesome snack. When it came it was indeed a bacon and egg sandwich….on the thinnest two slices of bread you have ever seen!!!!…..Now then…EVERYBODY knows you can only have a stable bacon and egg sandwich on either thick sliced bread, a bread cake or Stottie, or, on lightly toasted thick sliced bread. Not this kid…the thinnest slices of bread I have ever see. As soon as I tried to pick it up and move it mouth wards, the bacon went one way, the egg went on other way and the bread simply fell apart when my fingers went through it !!!!……..Anyway I ate it and we departed into the warmer climes of the outside.
Another indication of my getting older became apparent when my eyes started streaming due to the icy bite of the wind and my emerging desperate need to find a loo….Anyway we returned to the hotel and promptly had an afternoon nap….yes indeed….yet another indication of approaching decrepitude.
We awoke in time for dinner and afterwards went into the concert room to see what the powers to be were going to inflict on us tonight after the bingo….yes, we played bingo again….and I won another tenner, well….it would have been a tenner if it hadn’t been shared with one of the older ladies in blue rinse who was stalking me..(note to self, ” must get a bigger stick “)
The entertainer who was engaged to torture us sang the same songs the female vocalist sang the night before, but not quite as well!!! The saving grace was he was able to tell some good jokes along the way and was very adept at getting the audience either screaming like seagulls, or making noises like waves on a beach to accompany his singing….I can’t remember his jokes because I had to retest the anaesthetic capabilities of the Jamesons again, what I do remember is him finishing off with, “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and suddenly I was in a sea of waving arms…..time for bed folks, if you’ve read this far, you’re a good ‘un……goodnight and may your god go with you.
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It matters not what others think…if you feel the need, HOWL at the moon !!!